Pardon me God? Was that a NO?

I've started 4 different blog entries and haven't finished one. I haven't finished a complete thought or come to a conclusion about any of it. So I know I NEED to write. It's a release and I just know it will help someone, somewhere, somehow. uughhhhh

A few years back I finally got a tattoo and it says FAITH. I don't want anymore, It was a reminder to myself. I asked God one night while driving, to tell me what I needed to succeed. He said FAITH. Ever since, I've warn it as a badge of honor. I've fought for it. I've told others to get it. I've prayed for faith. I've actually developed faith in some crazy areas of my life. Yall, I've only survived somethings by FAITH! If you only knew what I meant when I said that.

Anyway, here I am through every test, every trial developing this blind FAITH. I think I knew, I would have to apply faith in different ways. But yall when your loss goes from material possessions to losing your health to losing people you love, dear God What kind of FAITH are you giving me right now? Because, this kind really really hurts. Hurts, more than I thought I could hurt.

I feel God pushing me back into the book of Job. I'm having a serious Job 13:15 moment
Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him

I think I've had the a misconception of thinking the more I seek Him, the more things will fall into place. Sheesh, I think the more I seek Him the more He test my faith. Here I am 3 years ago saying

"OK God, I'm FOR you. Like I'm telling all these people about you. I'm standing on this word that you gave me. You said it, I believe it and now these people seeing me lose. You got me in this apartment. You got me without a car. You got me barely making it trying to help someone else, like I can help myself. You gotta know what this looks like to the people I'm preaching too". 

#FF a few years and I'm still here. After all that! Oh so I'm praying! I'm bold in my prayers, now. I'm decreeing, I'm declaring, I'm speaking life in and over a thing. I'm praying for Healing over others and myself at this point. I'm praying over relationships. I'm reading the entire Bible, with no problem. I'm doing devotionals, Bible Plans, Bible challenges, Fasting, Meditating and as I'm doing this I'm still sick, in fact now I need surgery. My relationship is dying. My Uncle Passed away, now Mason passed away a beautiful 8month old baby, Lord. Dear God, It's not a question of if you hear me. I know you do but if you have told the devil to ''TRY ME" like you allowed him to try Job. This is war. I'm not going to stop praying. I'm not going to stop believing. In fact my expectations are going to get greater. I'm expecting restoration. I'm expecting over flow. I'm expecting grace and mercy. I'm expecting Luke 6:38
Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together 
               and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, 
                it will be measured to you."

I feel like if I had a theme song it would be New Edition- Can you stand the rain? and I'd be outside in the rain sitting indian style saying "Look I can stand the rain but are you really not going to give me an umbrella? You not going to let the sun even come out for part of the day? So, no end date on this rain? Ohh, so you gave me this jacket and now your taking it away?"

Insert deep breath: I know HIM too well. I know HIS word. I know HIS promises. I know HE can NOT tell a lie. So I'll trust him. I'm grateful, I'm grateful for gospel music. I'm grateful that I have enough word to get me through these constant storms. I'm grateful that every so often there has been reminders that He loves me and He cares. I'm grateful that when it feels like it's too late to call anyone. Or when my voice is failing and I can't talk to anyone, that I can moan and He knows my moans. I'm grateful for HIS WORD. I'm grateful that even when the devil wants me on IG, I'm on YouTube listening to sermons, lol. #truestory #everybodylookhappyonIG 

I pray this encourages someone. I pray that every single prayer I've prayed will be released from heaven and answered in God's special and perfect way and timing. I pray in growing to know Him better I'm able to serve better. I pray someone I don't know reads this and says OK God, I'll give you one more try. Because when you really, TRY GOD nothing can separate you from HIS LOVE. 

Please keep my friend Hashim and Shelly, Lil Shim and the rest of the family in your prayers through this difficult time. 

Rest in Eternal Peace Mason.

Thanks for reading!
Nikiva Dionne

on IG/Twitter/Youtube/FB: Nikiva Dionne


  1. Hi Kiva :)

    I received your message awhile ago, and wanted to respond but I was at a lost for words. Even now, there are so many thoughts and emotions that I want to share with you but....

    However, I can express this...I am always amazed by the way that God moves. I believe that God speaks to people while they are sleep because that is when their spirit is most vulnerable. I have also had several dreams about you, and each time I would pray from clarity, for healing, and to be released from all of the negative emotions that I held onto over the years. Although it took some time, I can finally say that I have let it go...

    I want you to know that I truly appreciate each and every word in your message. I fully accept your apology and I am sorry for my actions towards you as well. I hope that you are happy, and I pray that God continues to use you to inspire others, the way that you have inspired me. Thanks again for reaching out.

    All the best!



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