'Lil Fixer'

I think it’s safe to say women are problem solvers. Personally, I often have to SHUT UP when someone is talking to me and REALLY LISTEN to determine if they are telling me the story to simply get it off their chest or if they are seeking some sort of resolve from telling me and hearing my opinion.  I almost always want to HELP. So in wanting to ‘help’ I’m always offering something.  Similarly, I always want to understand. Which then makes sense because we seek to 'understand' because it's the first step to solving the 'problem'.

In high school, I wanted to attend UCLA to study forensic science. Not the crime scene forensics but the criminal mind. I don’t know, but I’m fascinated, and always have been, with whether or not it can be determined through talking to a serial killer, if something caused them to ‘snap’, for lack of a better word, or if there was always something that would elude to the potential that, they could one day become a serial killer, yet no one thought it important enough to ‘fix’.  Anyway I say all of this to say, If I have spent my entire life feeding and developing this need to always fix a problem how can I ever manage to accept a problem I can’t understand, which then means I can’t fix it.

And how then, does that work in relationships? Are there really something’s you won’t understand? Like, I always have to know that the front door has been checked before I go to sleep. But, if I never offer my husband the explanation as to why this is SO important to me, how can I expect him to offer me what I’m obviously lacking, when he doesn’t understand why I need it. It’s never the situation that a person craves to fix, it’s the ROOT, the PROBLEM, the CRACK that would otherwise be in the foundation. You see, I grew up most of my life with my step dad and no matter what short comings, I can ever say he has, I always felt safe. I remember my sister was at a party and lost her keys, which had her name and prom picture on her key chain. That night when she arrived home my step dad, said ok I’ll change the locks in the morning and just in case the person knows where we live, yall go to sleep I’m going to sleep down here on the couch (with his licensed weapon of course, lol). Now that’s just one instance but because I had that security, I’ve always found ways to ensure I still have it, even if it’s just making sure I check the door one last time b4 turning in for the night. And if, that need was developed from what I HAD growing up, one can only imagine the needs that have developed from what I lacked growing up and what you lack, you want to fix!

I don’t think it’s a problem to want to fix. I thing you need a desire to fix things in any relationship. If I were on trial I’d need to convince a judge or jury not necessarily that I’m innocent or guilty, I just need to appeal to them through my thought process. Here is what I did, I thought this, felt this way and decided in that moment that this was my only option. Or As a child me breaking my mothers favorite vase wasn’t the problem, the problem was that in my mind, I’d decided playing basketball in the living room was a good idea, because I didn’t consider the consequences or didn’t consider the potential risk greater than my own selfish desire to want to play basketball in the living room.

In conclusion there is a reason why we do everything we do. What you did is already done but WHY you did it, remains to be fixed or you will always do 'stuff' as a result of what you've neglected to fix!

Thanks 4 reading and for all of your continued support!

Be blessed 

Nikiva Dionne