I have sacrificed so very much of myself to pursue this dream that I’m starting to get to a place where I am agitated when some1 else doesn’t grasp the magnitude of this investment.

 It’s like really ur a model? With all of those stretch marks and awful poses and ridiculous blue eye shadow? I mean how do u expect me to feel when I’m busting my butt trying to cover hereditary dark circles under my eyes and u don’t even care enough to put forth enough effort to shave properly or take that electric blue eye shadow off O_o.. But because some perv. with a camera is taking ya picture ur butt naked in an avi picture saying I ‘model’ *stop it

 Do u know how long I’ve been modeling and how many auditions I’ve been on. How much rejection you face daily in this business, how hard it is to know you’re the ‘token’ black model when u walk in an audition where NO other black models even speak to you because they know it’s ONE spot for a black model.
ohhh and Don’t get me started on the “I’m saying I ACT and…” chile you won’t be screaming about ‘I Act’ at tax time when ur getting a refund from ya full time employer and buying Jordans with the check instead of acting classes. I can’t! lol..

 Now I don’t think I’ve EVER posted such a blatant ranting on a blog entry and I hope that some of the people that need to read it will. ( probably wont, lol) but just as any of my other entries there is a revelation that I’ve experienced or am currently experiencing that truly is the meat and potatoes of this blog.

 You know, I’m in a unique place and I’ve allowed the ‘visuals’ to override the vision! I’m pursuing a vision that God placed on my heart and he asked me was I willing to trust him.. yet, the first MAJOR sign of struggle I’ve been wavering. I have been seeking him throughout this time in amazing lengths but I know that considering what he has promised me I should be in perfect peace. I’m seeking him and praising him but my hair is falling out from stress, so I’m not practicing faith like I know I should. Yet, I truly feel blessed. I feel blessed because he hasn’t stopped talking to me through this test. I’ve received constant confirmation and reaffirming messages throughout but the storm still hasn’t died and it’s probably my fault, because I haven't quieted my fears to listen solely to my faith.

 One of the things I know for sure is no matter what other ‘models’ or ‘actors’ are willing to do I realize that God had his hand strategically placed on my path. It’s almost like, I’ve given soooooo much of myself yet it’s like he won’t even accept the 96% and i'm thinking.. Dag, God.. you gotta get rid of EVERYTHING? and he said "STOP FRONTING & FOLLOW ME" lol... he is bringing me to a place where he is stripping everything and everyone that shouldn’t be apart of my life and I trust that it’s because when he begins to bless me, he wants to ensure I know solely through him all blessings flow.

I’ve never felt so alone, yet so free… I can remember other times in my life when I just wanted the pain to stop and I can’t lie, that’s been my prayer some of these nights, lol. However I heard a sermon that said “This part of the journey is meant for your breakthrough and not your break down” When I think about the prayerful determined woman I became after other pivotal times in my life. I get excited and nervous in the same breath.. because, I know that to whom much is given, much is required. He is about to require more from me than I thought I was capable of giving but, I won’t stop MY elevation. I’m putting my head down and just moving every time he tells me too. I may leave you, I may not answer your calls, I may confide in you but through it all I’m keeping my mind stayed upon him..

Chile i feel like i'm on Calvary being stripped and whipped and fatigued but I know that in 3days! #mygod

 Pray for me yall, I’m growing and chile he is turning me upside down to stretch me,lol..

 “The proof is in the sacrifice”
 Thanks for reading!


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