I'm a Pusher

Walking home from elementary school one day I saw a couple on the steps. The female was busting a bump on the males face. The guy said “Hey lil Tanya” He obviously knew my older sister.. However, my first thought was eeww, how does she know him.. Well, later that day, She and I walked past the same house and he was walking inside.. It was a friend of hers she grew up with that was now on drugs and so was his girlfriend, “the step estitician”. For some reason that vision is always in my head.  The idea of a couple who are both strung out on drugs. It forces me to think if it’s in fact the whole Adam and Eve dilemma.. For instance, did the drugs make her feel so good that she had to convince him to try and to prove his love for her or perhaps to protect his ego and not look like a coward, did he try em and now they are both among the falling society of drug addicts? Now, i’ve never been able to understand what makes someone say I’m going to try drugs for the first time. However, that Adam and Eve concept actually doesn’t seem that foreign to me.. I mean when you care for someone a friend, a partner, a family member you inevitably want them to share in things that make you happy, rite? Now, the thought of sharing something with someone you love that could ruin their lives, isn’t exactly my vision of “true love” but, u have to consider.. she/he were already on a mind altering substance so maybe that part didn’t come into the thought process :-/

However, I’m forced to now evaluate the way I approach situations with those I care for and/or love. I remember coming home from college one time and learning that one of the guys around my way who I had always called my brother, had been locked up. I remember being away at school and learning another one of my friends from around the way had been killed etc. etc... Than I remember the first time I heard “I need you to survive”.. that song had me balled up in a fetal position because I just didn’t know how to help the people I loved that I knew needed help, hope, inspiration, hell a chance.. I was barely making it in college.. I had my own apartment but my rent was more than my mom’s mortgage. Yet, so many days I tried to bring this person and that person back to NY with me just so they could see that there was more in the world than what was holding us back in Baltimore.  Long story short.. I began to distance myself in certain ways because I didn’t know how to help and it was making me sick to my stomach. I was terrified I’d get a call that so and so died or was in jail etc. It was that time in my life where I started realizing the incessant need I had to share what I thought I found.

I realize now that either God was working on lil parts of me more and more year after year or maybe It was me who was only accepting God in doses year after year. However, there are very distinct instances in my life where I knew, God was making a major statement and I had no choice but to MOVE. All the while, the bigger God gets in my life the more and more I become a “pusher” I’m scratching and itching for more of God’s word and when I care for someone I find myself doing everything I can to say “you gotta try some of this God” ..

Similarly when you see someone doing things and you may have the foresight that it’s destructive , you want to ‘protect’ them from the things they don’t see coming.. Or at least, save them from experiencing certain set backs.. However, I’m learning something.. If God kept ME, he will surely keep YOU..  but, then where does that leave me in your life? Am I wrong when I distance myself? Is it not the God like thing to do?   Look, People who care for you are excited about the climb and they want to be in your life even when it’s in the midst of changing; and they will accept you for who your becoming.  But, how do I make sure I’m not a pusher or that I wont get the preemptive ‘Kiva I don’t need to hear you preach..’ I don’t wanna be the God pusher that he/she will  ‘Just Say No’ to. Yet, when I don’t push and in fact I may pull away than what message does that send.. Hell, what is my place in your life when we’re growing and learning and seeking at different places in our lives?  Now, I’ve been known to walk away but hey I’ve also been known to stay.. and there are a couple times, I know I stayed too long.. (rolls eyes,lol)

Now,  the aforementioned guy is now clean, working and married. However, every time he would see my sister when he was just getting clean he always said to her.. “I can’t believe I let you get away” and he looked at her with such admiration in his eyes. I don’t know if in fact the ‘step estitician’ was the one that introduced him to what “made her feel good” but I do know that, when you share things with someone you associate them with that place in your life. It may be nostalgic or it may be a dern nightmare but regardless people are a connection to places you’ve been.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to share things that make you happy with people who make you happy. However, what must be considered above all is YOU. If you feel it in your heart to share something that you feel God has placed in your spirit, you have to understand that maybe that WORD, was the last word you were suppose to speak to them… or maybe that word, was the word that made them realize that God placed you on their journey for a reason.. But, YOU need to always operate in your TRUTH.. Rite now at this point in my life.. I’m excited about God, and if you can’t share in my excitement than maybe this is where our road parts.  However, I’ve never been so proud of the person I’m becoming and I’ve never felt more beautiful. So you can understand how confused I’d feel if someone didn’t want to know the Me that I know I’m becoming.. What? don't u know my name,lol.. sike..Basically.. I can't make u stay, but I can surely make u wish u had and Even when you have to walk away, it doesn't mean you have to stop praying for them. It also doesn't mean u can't look back and admire them, you never know.. In walking away maybe they'll realize, God's intention was 4 them to make u stay.

Thanx so much for reading.. this blog really makes me happy and I feel so blessed to have this outlet.

“The proof is in the sacrifice”


  1. Love it. I'm so glad you wrote this. I've battled with being a pusher for God somedays and dont want to impose on anyone. But it is so true that you can get so High on God that you want to share that joy with the world. Its encouraging to have sisters that openly express their Faith, we walk it together girl.


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