Leaving a definite for a possible
I’ve had mixed feelings this past week on several different things.. Namely
*My 1 year “Dream-averssary“ is approaching
(I left my job 11mths ago to pursue my dream)
*Another birthday is rite around the corner
(which for the first time in years, I’m pretty excited about)
*I made decisions this past week or so that have forced me to walk away from and turn down things that may no longer be an equitable situation for me
all of these things have given me bubble guts
I had a convo with E where I said out loud, that I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD BE FURTHER. Within hours God didn’t give me words but he gave me the words of others to hold on to. I’m a big twitterer but I haven’t tweeted one thing today, because I had nothing to say.. However, I did RT (retweet) things others said.. and with their words I found my voice
As I sit on my bed with shoes all around me on the floor, clothes hanging from the canopy, accessories draped all over the place- preparing for a shoot tomorrow.. I asked myself, HOW CAN YOU NOT BE EXCITED.
It’s amazing that after SOOOOOOO many years of being stuck in a comfort zone of a 9 to 5 than one day just walking away and following my dream.. yet, I still find that I have a proclivity to make ‘safe decisions’.. How is it I know when to walk away but I have a hard time making that decision without feeling weird about it??? when you know it’s time to move on but have nothing definitive to move into, it makes u studder step a little bit.. I have a great ability to see the big picture and trust that I have to think for my future but that layover between being past what I’ve done and trying to get to what I wanna pursue is roughhhhh
I see people starting to do what I’ve DONE and I feel like Alright kiva, than It’s time for you to do more.. I’m making career decisions that require people to respect my career and treat it in a higher regard (my time is valuable damn it,lol) but, than I feel like shooooot maybe this means I need to have an agent maybe I’ve done all I can for myself at THIS LEVEL, Than I survey my current happenings and say, when you started this… you wanted this and this… you’ve gotten all you initially wanted, so now it’s time to move.. but ughh, move to what? (It’s SLOW,lol..)
I think it starts to bother me because this is the loneliest career ever.. Even though their are others pursuing the same thing, no one is exactly where you are rite now.. and there is no way to tell if you are one day, week,month,year, or years away from arriving at that dream you've dreamt for ever.. For me it isn't about when it comes because i know it's coming.. it's more about, me not being in control! ughh (im a leo, we're all control freaks lol).. Your always on someone else time.. Waiting for the call back, waiting for the shoot date, waiting for the call time, waiting for the response to your email, waiting waiting waiting waiting!
I’m one of those TO DO List people. For years I’ve been the person that needs to end my day with a to do list that’s barely recognizable but totally complete. If I’m not “doing” I feel like I haven’t done anything and with a to do list contingent upon who responds, it's hard to feel any sense of accomplishment.
That everyday I’m going to add something to my TO DO list that reminds me that I’ve done more this year than I’ve done my entire life, to fulfill Gods promise on my life. Furthermore, this past week In making decisions to not do certain things, I have done more for myself than I realize.
NO SUGAR: Respect the process... He has brought me this far-so I know he isn't leaving me now.. and something tells me that this may be the best time of my life because as they say.. New levels bring different devils, so i'll appreciate my preparation faze a little more each day..
Thanx so much for reading your support is invaluable
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